Everyone warns you that when you are a mom everything changes. Your relationship and your perspective on things. But no one tells you that you lose yourself along the way. I can’t remember what I was like before my baby. Maybe a little carefree? I’m not sure. But I know that I am definitely not the same. That makes me feel better and worse. My mother in law watched my son while my husband and I went out on a date. It killed me to be away from my son. Something about being a new mother was making me feel crazy. My husband looked at me while I scrolled through pictures of my son on our date and told me that he missed me. I knew instantly what he meant. He was not talking about how he misses spending time with me. He missed who I was before I was a mom.

He missed the version of myself when I was not over-obsessive of my son, who was not hell-bent on doing everything perfect, the me who did not cry all the time because I was tired, the me who could laugh at anything and everything. He missed me and I missed me. But how do I get back? Did I want to go back? All of these worries were swirling in my head next to the other million worries I already kept safe there.

I have been taking my anti-depressants every day like I am supposed to, in order to stay at least a little sane. But those pills can only do so much. Sometimes I don’t even feel like they are really working at all. I don’t feel so tired anymore. But I do feel irritable, moody, depressed, sensitive, and lonely. I feel unbelievably lonely. I skipped a day from taking my medicine and I felt everything at once. I felt the weight of my overwhelming depression. It was like a heavy rainstorm, and when I took my medicine, the pills were like an umbrella. They were like an umbrella in the way that it shielded me from most of my depression, but I could still feel little bits of it. It was unbearable. I just want to feel like myself again. I’m always feeling guilty, like I am doing everything wrong. I feel like an unfit mother and at times I feel like my marriage is falling apart. I feel so far away from my husband, my depression makes me doubt his love for me. It makes me feel jealous of his female coworkers. I know deep within my heart he would never leave me or cheat on me, but my depression tells me a different story. 

I’m not like this. This isn’t me…That day I missed out on taking my pill, I was on the bed with my son. He was staring at me with his beautiful doe eyes and I smiled back with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t want to hurt. I was in so much mental pain and it was taking a toll on me, but I didn’t want him to know I was in pain. I don’t want him to see me like that. I know he is very young, but I don’t ever want him to see me cry. I want to be strong for him. I want to be okay for him. I want to be myself again. I want to be a great mother. I want to feel close to my husband again. I want to stop doubting myself and everything around me that I cannot control. I know that day will come where I will feel okay again. I just hope that it is soon. Until then I will keep working on myself and take everything one day at a time.