This letter is overdue. I’ve always meant to write a letter to myself, but I was always afraid of reopening old wounds and the psychological impact it would have on me. But I deserve this. So here I go…
You have gone through so much in your life. Sometimes you think about how much damage you’ve gone through and write it off by saying that you deserved it or at least it wasn’t worse than what it was. But that is not true. Every trauma is still trauma even if it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Everyone has their own battles and believe me you had a lot. I want to start off by reminding you that you didn’t deserve any of it. There was nothing you did that could’ve made it okay for any of those horrible things being done to you. You were so young when it all started. There was a lot of pressure on you to not make mistakes.. Anytime anyone got angry you would hide into your dark space and close off. You were always so afraid of what people thought of you and blamed yourself for everything. You hated that you were annoying, weird, and curious. You never felt like you were good enough and I’m sorry. You used to look in the mirror as a kid, comb your hair, and tell yourself that you looked awesome. How quickly that changed when you would go to school and be teased for your lisp, individuality, the fact that you grew up faster than the other girls physically. None of that was your fault. You were so afraid to be yourself. I’m sorry because you were always good enough. There was nothing wrong with being yourself. Because you are unique and weird and that’s okay.
In the eighth grade you started harming yourself because you felt like everyone would leave you eventually because of your flaws and how weird and annoying you were. You were never annoying, you just cared so much about people and they didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t your fault. You were weird, but there was nothing wrong with that because that’s who you are. Who I am. It’s true that a lot of people leave your life, but the people who love you will always stay no matter what. People come and go in this life, but everything changes and there was nothing you did that drove them away. You continued to cut yourself because you believed that you deserved the pain. You punished yourself for not being good enough and always embarrassing yourself. Your desire to be loved and to have someone pay attention to you in a positive way was deep. You looked for love everywhere and anywhere in a person. Even when most times it was the wrong person. You found attention in someone who mentally and sexually abused you. But you were just glad someone wanted you around even if all he did was tear you down and manipulate you and your feelings. I wish I could’ve loved you more than I did.
You deserved so much genuine love and not the fake love or attention you eagerly sought out. And when you finally got the love you deserved from someone so sweet it didn’t last long. You felt like he was going to end up leaving you anyway. So you ruined the one good thing you had.. You believed anyone who said they loved you. I wish I could tell you who really did and that you should love yourself more. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. You care so much for people who don’t feel the same. You used to pray to God at night and ask him to forgive Satan for being evil because he was misguided and needed to be loved too. That little girl who loved herself as much as everyone else. I wish you didn’t lose sight of that. Later on your heart got so broken and you took it out on anyone within reach and when they left, you weren’t surprised and felt so bitter towards anyone who claimed to be your friend. You tried to bounce back and clung onto the nearest good looking guy you could find to forget about your previous mistakes and distract you from your pain.
That distraction became someone you had to take care of who would in turn abuse you physically, sexually, and verbally. You felt so low that you just let him do it, because who else were you going to be with? You were more afraid to be alone. You felt some truth in his words more than half the time. You just stuck with him and when he cheated on you, you weren’t even surprised. You weren’t even hurt. All you wanted was someone to love you even if it wasn’t real. After that you met a man who convinced you that you deserved better and when you started to believe him, he tricked you and ended up taking advantage of you too. You were so desperate to not have anyone else leave you, and when he left, you just felt broken even further. You felt numb to the world and to everyone else. You started college and went off the rails. You drank, smoke, and did stupid reckless things. It wasn’t until you came home one day and saw the worried look on your mother’s face that you decided to change. Because someone did love and care for you always even when you didn’t. So you dropped everyone and decided to change for her and for yourself. Slowly you got better. But even now you still believe that sometimes you are not good enough. You started to believe that maybe you weren’t good enough because everyone doubted you. Your whole life you would push yourself and work extra hard to prove everyone who underestimated you that you were worth it. Even when you, yourself didn’t believe you were worth it. But you were always worth it. The only person you needed to prove, was yourself. Even now you think you annoy people with your friendship and that you have to compensate by giving them presents and always spreading yourself thin for them. You feel ugly and fat from giving birth twice to two beautiful boys. You take hits on yourself every day. You’ve been through so much and you’re a good person even through your panic attacks, lapse of judgement, loss of control, and bad days. You’re always trying to help other people, be there for anyone because you know what it’s like to feel alone, to want to give up, and you don’t want anyone else to feel that way. You give so much to everyone else and don’t replace what they took. You don’t give anything to yourself because you don’t want to be selfish.
You are anything but selfish. You’re always baking things for other people, giving clothes away, checking up on everyone else. You try so hard to be the best you can be and when you fall short you can’t even give yourself a break. Breathe. Relax. Just be. Love yourself. Embrace the things that you have done and stop beating yourself up for falling short, for not being as skinny as you want, for not going all out on your looks all the time. You are beautiful. You are a good mom, you put your kids first always, you put yourself in front of danger to protect your kids, you sacrifice yourself constantly. Your kids love you, your husband loves you, your family loves you, when will you love you? You deserve the love that you give so much of to everyone else. You are tired and try hard everyday. Just exist and do what you can. Be nice to yourself. Please. Because at the end of the day you are always there for yourself, you are in charge of everyone, but especially of you. And I know you wouldn’t treat anyone the way you treat yourself now. So stop. You are enough. You are loved. And you are important. You need to see that. I love you. Keep going. You got this.