I lay awake at night and think. I lie awake at night and I remember. I remember the lies you spun, my strings you pulled, and everything I held you stripped away. I was good. I was innocent. I felt whole.

And in a matter of weeks, you came back into my life and took that all away. I was a marionette and you were my puppet master. Only my strings weren’t attached to a board just anyone could control, they were attached to your fingers. You willed me to dance, and I danced. You willed me to speak and I spoke. You held me down and did your worst against my screams, against my protest, against my attempts to run away.

You pulled the strings. You owned me. I followed commands because I was scared. But you said I followed commands because I loved. I loved you and your lies. But your voice was embedded in my brain like I wasn’t even safe inside my own head. Your lies convinced me and muddied the truth. I never loved you. But I wasn’t sure what was true and what wasn’t.

All I knew was your command, your threats, and that sickening laugh of yours that echoed in my head. I was just a plaything to you. Nothing more. I was a blanket and you tore every fabric, every thread you could so that I was barely hanging on. 

And when you were done, you let me float into the nothingness. I floated and scrambled to hold onto anything left I had. But even the pieces that remained were not enough. So I tied myself into a knot, holding onto the hurt and spiraled out of control. While you walked away whole. You walked away whole with pieces of me in your back pocket. 

So after years of mending what you broke, I could be whole again. But even now, I see you and I envy the fact that you walked away without a scratch. You have no repercussions, if you have guilt it will never haunt you as much as what you did haunts me. It will never screw you up like you did me. It will never make you feel the way it did me. And there is no apology in the world that could fix the way you broke me. Even when all is forgiven, I want nothing more than to know at night you can’t sleep because of what you took and did to me…then I would know for sure, you threw my strings away.