When I think of addictions or habits, I don’t necessarily think of just habits  or addictions themselves. I think about the person holding up the cigarette, the drugs, the bottle, the knife, and hidden behind their own lies and deceptions. I believe addictions may stem from depression or self-loathing. Everyone had a part of themselves before the addiction or habit. I think that addictions may start when a person has a negative mind-set about themselves or about their life. I used to smoke cigarettes; I started them because I was going through a rough point in my life. I was having trouble accepting what had happened to me in the past. I was disgusted by myself to let some loathsome creep do terrible things to me. I was disgusted that at one point I trusted him and held onto every lie he convinced me to believe. I hated myself. I hated thinking of that regretful point in my life.  I wanted to try or do something that would grant me relief. Anything. I was offered a cigarette one day. I tried it. It was utterly disgusting. One puff and it felt like both my lungs were polluted, although my heart also felt as if it were polluted; polluted with negativity and self-loathing. It matched didn’t it? I didn’t care that smoking fed into my further disgust with myself. I made myself get into the habit and eventually I felt some feign relief. I would think of the bitter past, smoke, wash my hands, brush my teeth, drown myself in perfume, and continue to lie and put up an act. It didn’t stop there. I created or developed other negative habits. I was only doing so to feel relief and punish myself for anything horrid I have ever done. Pain deserves to be felt. Just like that cheesy Fault in Our Stars movie. They’re right. I felt my pain, I made it worse, and even tried to mask it with bad habits and forced addictions. Isn’t that why some people drink…? To forget, to not think, to cloud their mind so they won’t have to think, to feel carefree? I used to punish myself for all kinds of things; the way I dressed, the way I looked, the way I felt, if I embarrassed myself, or if I messed up. It’s a terrible thing to do, to think, and to feel. We take addictions and hide behind them. We hide behind that and punish ourselves. When we feel terrible, we reflect on the past and it hurts. It causes us pain we don’t want to dwell on or feel. Without a cigarette, drug,  bottle, or knife we feel powerless and are vulnerable to succumb to our emotions. That’s why we crave those nasty things, we crave it to escape, to avoid, and to deny how scared we are. Scared to be alone to our thoughts, scared to succumb to feeling, and scared to confront our nightmares. Before I did anything like smoke a cigarette, swallow a pill, pierce my skin; I would always think to myself, “I can’t handle this, I need something, anything to avoid feeling like this or just make the pain go away.” How terrible it is for someone to hide behind an addiction because life is suddenly more frightening than death. Not everyone is the same, not everyone may start an addiction out of self-loathing or pain; however, most do and I feel for them because I used to be one of them. We constantly fight battles every day whether it be physical or mental we need to keep in mind that we are stronger than we believe we are. To break and put away addiction isn’t impossible. To love ourselves isn’t impossible. If we as people want to get better and heal we must try our hardest to stop the addiction, stop the lies, and stop the self-hatred. It’s not easy. It takes time. It could take years but as long as we try and refuse to give up it is not impossible. One day we will forgive whether it be ourselves, or others. One day we will forget. And one day we will get better.