I reflect too much on the past more than I’d like to, but lately I have been thinking about an abusive relationship that I used to be in. I think about how my ex-boyfriend seemed fairly normal. In the beginning he seemed laid back and patient. It boggles my mind how quickly everything went from being peaceful and carefree to walking on eggshells and crying every day with him. I mean where did it all go wrong? Did I make him this way? I always end up blaming myself for things out of my control, but I have to play with the thought that maybe I had a part in this. I mean in the beginning he was okay. Later on I found out that most of the issues he had stemmed from his parents who were screw ups themselves. He had a lot of mental health issues too. Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Anger Issues, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He was obsessive and very possessive of me.

He had to see my phone and who I was talking to at all times. I wasn’t allowed to talk to any males. He was suspicious of my coworkers. He always got mad when I would have to work or whenever I would leave work late. He was constantly accusing me of cheating and lying. He used to tell me that other “people” would find me lying about where I was or who I was with. I never understood that, because when I wasn’t with him, I was home. I was too afraid to talk to anyone else or even be caught talking to anyone else. He got angry so easily. He would always fight with me and call me names. He used to say that I thought that I was too good for him and that I was always “downsizing” him. He always threatened to beat up my ex or even go so far as to threaten to tell the person who violated me where I was.

Once he was so angry at something that someone had told him (I have no idea what), and he wanted to talk to me. At the time I was at work and I didn’t want to deal with whatever it was. He waited outside my place of work for four hours in the freezing cold, before finding a ride to go off himself. Someone caught him and he was hospitalized. He was forced to see a therapist and the therapist had told him that it was my fault and that I’m toxic. I didn’t understand and I still don’t. I took care of him and obeyed all his orders. I was lonely and afraid and hurt all the time. Whenever he was mad he would shout at me, push me, hurt me, threaten me, laugh at my tears, throw my things, and or damage my possessions. Once he threatened to beat up my father. Eventually he cheated on me with someone I knew and lied to them about us not being together. I was angry. How could he always accuse me of cheating and then he goes and cheats on me? I felt sick. I wanted space from him and he came to my work when I got off. He didn’t want to give me space. I hid in my friend’s car until my friend got off work. He went inside the building searching for me, he looked in every car to find me. I had never felt so scared in my life. Except I had. Every time he was with me I felt scared.

He always had this crazy look in his eye like he was on drugs and he wanted nothing more than to kill me. I never knew what he was thinking. He took everything from me with force. He forced me to have sex with him, and if I didn’t he would threaten or hurt me. That’s why I say if you’re with someone, you are NOT obligated to have sex with them. Boyfriend, girlfriend, friends with benefits, fiancé, fiancée, husband, and or wife it doesn’t matter. Rape is rape. And he raped me, more times than I could count. Except for feeling scared, trapped, and crying all the time; I felt dead inside. It’s a miracle that I got out of that relationship because it was far from easy. There was a time that I did love and care about him. But I think that he used that and that he never truly loved or cared about me. Because if he did, he wouldn’t have done all those cruel things to me. He never would’ve hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually. A lot of people think that, “If you’re unhappy just leave.” Unfortunately it is almost never that simple with unhealthy relationships. I feel bad for the people who are still stuck in toxic and abusive relationships. But I implore you to seek for help and GET OUT! You never know what could happen. It is possible. I am so happy with where my life is right now. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if I never got away. Talk to someone, get help, and get out. You deserve to be happy and in a HEALTHY relationship. I might always wonder what happened to us, but I am so glad I am away from that and from him. I hope he is better and happy…I hope he knows what happened between us was wrong. And I hope when he is ready to genuinely love someone he will be better, happier, and healthier. But I also hope I never see him again.