As I write this I have a frog stuck in my throat. Not literally, figuratively. Like I am choking on my tears and trying to push it down. I don’t want to cry, but it’s too late. I just finished working out. There have been many times that I have tried diets, new fad pills like (It Works, Thrive, etc), and exercising to lose weight. I will keep up with it for a solid two weeks and push myself until I can no longer do it. I get so discouraged and give up. I think to myself, “What am I really accomplishing? I haven’t seen any sort of change. I’ll never lose this weight.” I am the biggest bully and harshest critic when it comes to myself. Working out and dieting is SO hard. Maybe not for health nuts, and to them I am happy. They don’t have to stare and hate their naked bodies in the mirror or be afraid to look at the scale when they weigh theirselves. I envy them. Since having a baby, it has been so hard to keep up with exercising or even dieting at all. My life is busy with Church, Work, Being a Mom, and a Wife. I capitalize those things, because those things are important to me. I know, I know those are busy things to do and to be. You are talking to someone who likes to stretch herself to thin and then daydream about the days where I could be lazy and do absolutely nothing, and have no one expect anything from me.

I’m getting a little off track. The fact is there is always time to do what you want changed. A lot of people tell me that they will watch TV, while doing laundry, and when a commercial comes on they do squats. There is time. Not every second of your life is full. I always find time to pray, even at my busiest. So I decided that I am tired of hating myself, putting myself down about my weight, I can change my weight. Only me. Not some fad pill. There is no easy way to lose weight. There is no cheating, only dedication and perseverence. To anyone who wants to give up exercising or dieting because it is too hard, I am with you. But you will never see results if you give up. And I know that, but I have to keep reminding myself. Right now I just finished watching and working out to a YouTube video Tabata for beginners. Wow does it give you a work out! I am on day three of dieting and working out. I am so sore and so tired. And I feel like I could be doing so much more. I am beating myself up constantly! I am cursing myself for getting so tired so quickly, for hating myself that my stomach is smacking against my thighs, and that my breathing is so loud. Here comes the tears again…

This is hard, but it’s possible. If you are unhappy about something, you have the power to change it. It’s a long journey and no short process at all. But it is worth it. You might think that I am crazy or that I am being a hypocrite for saying that when I want to give up and I am crying. But it is worth it. It is better for your body and for your mind to be healthy. Because of my depression and anxiety it is hard for me to focus. But after exercising I have such a clear head and it pushes me to choose healthier options of food to put into my body. One day I will love my body. I’m not saying I will only love it when I am skinny, I am saying I will love it because I will start to feel like myself again. I want to make healthier decisions, I want to think clearer, I want to try on clothes without crying, and beating myself up. I know my body has done some amazing things for me. My body has kept me alive, it has fought off illnesses, helped me achieve things when I used to do competitions, and it helped me home a beautiful baby boy for 9 months. I am grateful to my body for those things. But now I have to pay it back and be gentle with myself. This is going to be a long journey of sweat, tears, and discouragement. But I can’t give up now, and neither should you. So persevere and carry on my friends!