Have you ever cried for your past self? I’m talking about the past you, when you were naive and made mistake after mistake. All I can think sometimes is, Why? How could I trust someone who obviously had no intention of doing any good to me? How could I let a mistake get so far? I was thinking about this the other day. When I was toward the end of my abusive relationship with my ex, I met someone. He was a customer where I worked. He told my friend that I was cute. He would come in and tell me that the only reason he came in was to make me smile and possibly make my day. Corny right? He was handsome and older, and just seemed so sweet and caring. Don’t get me wrong, he was caring. But it wasn’t until later on that I found out that I was never going to get anywhere with him. He kept coming in and we would talk, he would flirt, and of course I would laugh.

He commended me for being brave and leaving a relationship that made me miserable, even though it was hard to. He had a million dollar smile, all he would do is show his teeth and entrap you in his charisma. He would always listen and joke and make me feel so much more than I was. And it was so nice! It was amazing to feel like that! Especially after escaping a toxic relationship where my ex would tell me that no one could ever want me. When I was constantly insulted and eventually believed the lies he spoke to me. This guy was so refreshing to talk to and hang out with. But it was a mistake. I was vulnerable. I don’t think he ever meant to cause me harm, but he did. He came from nowhere and I was stuck on him. I wasn’t in love with him, but I was willing to try anything to make him happy, to keep him there with me. I just wanted to hold onto that feeling of pure bliss when he made me feel special and listened to me speak with such enthusiasm! I was even willing to look past our age difference which was 11 years by the way. He led me on and we went on a few dates. It wasn’t until the last time that we had hung out that things escalated.

We had finally kissed and then everything excelerated faster than I wanted it to. I was so happy, but confused and I just wanted him to stay. I just wanted the happiness to stay. We didn’t have to be together, but I wanted to be around him. But that night after we were done hanging out he looked at me with regret and sadness. That’s when I knew that this was the last time he’d be around. It was like he knew this was going to happen. But all I wanted to know was why? He was so sweet, fun, and seemed like such a nice guy, and then he just left. Why did I feel like I did something wrong? But I think that I always knew that he’d leave eventually. I was just fun for him, nothing serious. This was fun for me too, but I at least wanted a friendship. But I couldn’t have that. I can remember his eyes when he looked at me. He looked at me like “she’s still a lost little girl and maybe this was a mistake”. He kissed my forehead and I never heard from him again. 

I cry for a lot of things that I did that were stupid. That guy is a dick for leaving me like that, but I’m glad that we had the time we did. I needed someone to boost my confidence and make me feel special even if it was for just a short while. I was a lost little girl and I let him come in and take what he wanted. I can’t believe I let things escalate and that I was more disappointed than I was mad when he just left. But it is true what they say, “you live and you learn”. And I did learn because, I never let that mistake happen twice.