Being a mother is so hard. Not only is it hard in general, but it is especially hard when you have depression. I take my postpartum depression meds like I’m supposed to, but even then; I still get buried in depression. And most times I don’t even see it coming. Sometimes when it’s near the end of the year or when it’s raining outside, I’ll usually feel sluggish and sad. Those are the few times I know I’m going to have a bad day. But for the first two weeks of this month I was great! I was a good house-wife, a good mom, a patient person, and I didn’t think much of the loneliness I felt. And all of a sudden BAM! Everything unfolds!

My dream job isn’t an option at this time, a back up job isn’t possible either, I’m letting my anxiety get the best of me, I am angry and tired ALL THE TIME, and I have no more patience for my screaming almost one year old. I feel the weight of the depression crushing down on me. And it’s heavy and I don’t even want to attempt to lift it off, but I know I should. Everything is just too much and exhausting. I’m taking out all my anger and frustration out on myself, my husband, and my friends that are supposed to be there for me. But how can they be here for me if I don’t tell them how I’m feeling? I wish they’d check up on me because I’ve been distant. But how would they even know? They aren’t mind readers. We are all adults and have our own lives to live. We are busy and worry about our friends, but don’t always have time to check up on them like we would like. That’s no one’s fault and I know that. But I still want to blame someone other than myself. I feel angry especially, because at times I feel like I am always checking up on everyone and making sure that they are okay. But when it’s my turn to feel the weight of the world on my shoulder, no one is there. (Excluding my husband). 

These are irrational feelings. I know my friends love and care for me, but they’re busy. If I call out to them, I know that they will make time for me and try their best to reassure me that I am loved and that I will be okay. But sometimes feeling like this is hard. You feel so low and empty and you want to vent to someone, but at the same time you want to completely isolate yourself from everyone and just disappear. I used to be able to close myself off completely. To avoid any and all contact with people. To lay in bed and feel the tears slide off my face while I stare at the wall expressionless. I would wait until nighttime to ugly cry and hyperventilate into my pillow, suffocating myself so I wouldn’t make noise and wake anyone else up. 

I can’t do that anymore. I’m responsible for a miniature version of me. I want to be strong for the both of us. I don’t want my son to ever see me cry or ever see me succumb to my depression. I don’t want to be that mom that lies motionless in bed while her children take care of her. I don’t want my children to take care of themselves because I can’t. I would feel as if I failed as a mom. I never want that to happen. I’m not perfect and depression happens and it doesn’t help especially if you have postpartum depression. It’s incredibly hard not to give into it. But I will keep fighting for myself and for my son. I will not succumb to it. I can be better.