If anyone has ever been in a creative writing class you will know that the teacher will at one point ask you to write a story or a poem on a feeling as if it were a person. It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. A feeling is a feeling not a person. A person has feelings. However, if I were to characterize a feeling it would be Depression. I’ve seen a drawing of depression and or anxiety depicted as a shadow of a person bugging or harassing a real person. Those drawings can never be anymore accurate. That is exactly what it feels and would look like if you could see it. If I were to characterize depression it would be someone who looms over you with negativity all the time like a rain cloud; an unwanted guest who invites themselves in and overstays their welcome. What I want to know is why it’s so hungry for negativity, for hatred, for self-loathing. I want to know why I can’t sleep at night and I am kept awake by overwhelming thoughts brought to me by depression. I want to know why it won’t leave me alone. Why it might go away and just when I start to feel okay again, it’s back knocking on my door. That’s what I want to know. What is the appeal of keeping me awake at night? Of invading my thoughts and dreams? Why it always makes me feel like I’m drowning. Why it always feels like I am choking on air. I would ask it such questions if it were a person. I might cry in it’s presence and it would embrace me with cold hands enveloping me in even more dark thoughts. I would shake and hyperventilate but the thoughts worsen from there. What bothers me at times are people who “don’t believe in depression”. Depression is a feeling, it is a sickness. It can be caused by everything and nothing all at the same time. It could be a chemical imbalance of the brain or it could be hormonal. It could be as a result of losing someone or a change in someone’s life. Depression isn’t something you need to ponder if it is real or not. I am talking about an emotion, not of fairies or mermaids or even the Lochness Monster. It’s real and it’s terrible. It’s terrible because you never know when you’re going to feel okay again. The people around you may feel annoyed because they want to help you, but they can’t. You never know when you’re going to be yourself again. You want to talk to everyone and no one at the same time. It is the worst feeling when you feel lonely all the time, but the idea of going out and putting on a show frightens you to the core so you stay home. I have resorted to talking to myself at times, giving myself pep talks because of my loss of motivation. Sometimes I feel okay, and sometimes depression is hovering over my shoulder telling me what I should worry about and why it’s important I think of all the bad outcomes that could happen in my life. It’s hard not to listen. My mind feels like depression is driving a car and the only way out is straight off the cliff, but I forget that another option is to not enter the car in the first place. Depression is manipulative and controlling and unbearable all the time; but, even when we feel like we aren’t in control of anything we cannot succumb to it. Succumbing to depression is giving up. And if we give up where does that lead us? We need to fight with whatever strength we have to push it out the door of our house, our rooms, and out of our heads. We may not always succeed, but some days we will if we just keep fighting.